this girl whose name i won't say

it's kind of scary, how so many
beautiful people don't know how
amazing they truly are.

and they think they have no where
to belong, when so many people
wish they would see them.

she's absolutely gorgeous, and
she can't even see it.

is it bad that it makes me want to cry?

she doesn't deserve to be lonely.

f l i g h t (picture)

.

Drown

i'm surrounded by Too Much To Do,
and People To Please.

i don't know what i'm supposed to
be Saying anymore.

so the only valid option is to
sit around, and count my

Diminutive Nothings.

__________

a/n: haven't written a poem like this in a while, this is the first piece i've written in about three moths that hasn't been a slam, or prosetry.

needed {prose}

i needed to take a step back from everything. i cared, but i was young, and the young don't care. it didn't matter much what i saw, in all honesty. it could be terrifying, or fill me with disgust. but that wasn't true.  i needed someone to show me something beautiful. it meant so many different things to me, that i couldn't recognize any of it around me. it was everywhere. mostly.

i needed some of my hopes to come true. but i was young, and the young become old too quickly, and are too far gone to notice that they had everything. i wished i was delicate. i wished i could become a writer. i needed to find some sort of eternal genie for my sorrows, to be free of the weight that was pressed onto my shoulders. but all of my hopes lied around me, dropping at my feet one-by-one. by then i was looking too far up to realize.

i needed time to pass. i needed it to consume me. but i'm young, and getting less young every day. time has already consumed me. and maybe with time my name will change a few times, or i'll get a hideous tattoo that eventually fades, but at whatever point, time will always be there to pass me by. always was.

and you know, i didn't really need anything.

tide

she couldn't take the heat
of the argument so she
drove off and took a bath
in the river, except it
wasn't really a bath, it was her suicide.

the sun was burning
her up, twisting her body
inside out until it
showed people the parts
of her she didn't
want seen.

she could taste the dryness
on her tongue before she
plunged herself under,
not caring that she was
throwing something away.

she didn't even wonder
if anyone would cry at
her funeral, and she
never found out,
but all of them did.

and she never knew,
that she was dead.
(but not really.)

didn't think {prose}

it's surprising how many people walk without purpose, without direction. and i wonder if we're thinking the exact same thing, but then i think, no, why would i think that, when everyone is probably asking themselves that too, so maybe i'm more normal than i had originally decided., and we do this too much, just throwing our legs forward and hoping we'll end up somewhere but we always end up somewhere, even if its a place we don't actually like yet.

punch

i'm not usually an angry sort of person
but you people make me want to scream,
aloud in a room full of people and there's
nothing to be mad about but i need to yell,
and push you down a flight of stairs in a one-story
home; so you won't break your neck but maybe
something will be broken.

painted white

sometimes i think i've been painted white to
blend in with the walls behind me. and
my body's been strung up on a ceiling-fan,

(but no one can see me because i'm one of
those ghosts without a purpose.)

no one can sense the broken spirit in a small
smile or stare, and i'm drunk on this feeling of
non-existence.

i'm wasted, developing another addiction for this
high; it's a gaze thrown into the air around us,
drawn to the tense emotions within my
rotting, invisible corpse.

(but no one can see me because i'm one of
those ghosts without a purpose.)

do it {prosetry}

sometimes, i don't think
i deserve to live.

this is one of those times.

just kill me already. i beg you.

failure

i build myself up just to talk to you.
but i couldn't even manage a smile.

what kind of
love is this.

i'm writing about you

i write to the nameless, who, so far have
given me everything and nothing to say.

and i write to the world around me as it

keeps turning
around and
around, on

an unstable axis
that hordes unbridled power.

double dare

just try to tear me apart, i dare you.

you'll find that i'm much stronger than
the last time.

and speaking of last times,
this is yours.

god

i'm not the kind of girl that believes in god.

i'm the kind of girl that's running out of things to believe in.

such a prude

you know, you might call it too innocent but i call it knowing what my morals are.

nostagalia

i thought that by looking back it would bring me closer
to them, to tears. but it did the opposite and now i'm
a stranger to their happiness.

i thought that by looking back it would make me
smile. i really really really haven't done that in a while
but i didn't cry, i only felt alone.

a story

she was killing herself trying to forget about him,
ripping the petals off of the roses he had bought her,
desperate to apologize.

she had slammed the door in his face, but not before
taking the roses, and holding them tightly to her chest
as she leaned against the door, with a sigh.

he called her for the last time that day, he was
done with chasing her. and she was dying,
inhaling the poisonous fumes of forgotten love.

hushed cries linger in the air.

to you, if you're l i s t e n i n g

i hate you because you make me write illiterate words, and break the rules of grammar.
but i'm drawn to you, because whenever i think of you my mind goes wild with
stories and words and plots and soon i'm writing about you, again.

we

we can never be anything less than hopeless.

out {prose}

you're eyes are a paradise i can never reach, a far away island that i'm forced to watch as i drift out to sea and i can't take one more second of treading water, i'm about to drown for you.

i can pray if i'm not christian, right?

i hope i don't stay this way
forever, you know, writing
about dangerous boys and
their dangerous eyes.

because soon enough he'll
look away, if i don't work
up enough courage to look
back. gone, like he was never

there.

could

i could be dangerous for you.

might as well quit while i'm at it

i have a really bad habit of falling for people who don't even know my name. much less like me back in any way, shape, or form.

hi i'm sierra, and i'm irish with not a spot of luck.

stranger stranger

i like to write dangerous thoughts about a dangerous boy.

vacant - a six word story

There's absolutely nothing keeping us apart.

you idiot {prose}

i like to think that you would think that i think that you would think you like them.

i think that you're just as confusing as that statement.

i don't even know

what would you think.
you, the boy reading this.

what would you even say?
you, the boy i write poems about.

impact - h o m e

i live in the shadows of your heart
and you still haven't noticed
that every time a smile graces your lips,
i touch mine lightly and wonder what it's like to
have its brightness facing me.

i used to think that this would be happier,
that the time i spent thinking about you
wouldn't be wasted like the hours i stayed
up thinking about your eyes when they
look into mine.

but this is painful. this is hurt. this is sadness.

untitled {prose}

you've left me here, in the dark.

jumper {prose}

i don't understand life because i don't understand religion.

but i can comprehend that these feelings for you are not returned.

some goals

from now on, i need something to see.

•  pass math
• publish a book of poems
• run a 5k
• pass earth science
• interact with a member of the opposite sex
• perhaps flirt with said member
• build self confidence
• lose weight 
• run a mile every day
• change wardrobe

that's not too much to ask for, right?

eh?

comprende?

I HAVE CHANGED (prose)

i can't let this growth within me die, it's too precious to let go. small, unsure, but determined to create another self, to be reborn into the world once more. it needs to be nourished, and i can't let my fragile self shatter, destroying this new life that's only beginning to branch out inside of my body, and it has something to say. but it doesn't know how to speak yet, so it's waiting for that fateful day that words will give it meaning. the seed needs to be watered, and kept locked away in some place where i won't forget, but it won't fall to pieces. she wants to be everyone, she wants to keep their pain, and we're so different, but somehow our minds came from the same world. no, not a world, but a universe. her world is much brighter, and mine? a bit dark. but they're clashing together, and she needs to escape, she needs to make her mark on this new land. she listens to the demands sent my way.

'get a job.'

'write a book'

'become an author'

so she tells me that this is no way to live. that i'm useless like this, that i need to learn to really live.

'don't throw away your being like that, don't set yourself for a single path and never step off of it to marvel at the world around you. become that person, you created in the mirror. the one who loves to be anyone but you. breathe her, live her, become her. because she can do anything.'

i'm holding this new growth, so tightly to my heart that it might fly away if i let go.

'set out on an adventure, that you know you'll never win, but will because you can, let its power creep under your skin. fall in love five times over, because you need to let go of the past. but don't worry about your future, that will always last.'

i can feel her smiling, against my chest.

'just live for the moment that we're sharing right now. you've changed. for better or worse, who knows, but this is now.'

her words come out in mumbles, but her message is as clear as day.

'and i know that there's consequences, to every single thing you do. but you have to live, sierra.

or else life will destroy you.'

the sun is out now, warming both of our hearts, and we're both smiling, squinting our eyes against the vibrant rays. and i'm stunned.

i've never felt like there's nothing left to say.

i just have to do.

oceans of me

sometimes i think i chase perfection.

all the while the world is falling to pieces around me, but
somehow this is my cracked up version of beauty.

i'm lost at sea, reaching for an anchor that isn't there.

all the while the universe is moving on without me, and
there's no possible way i can catch up.

i fall in 'love' so many times in a single week,

all the while the ones i need are drifting farther away than
ever. and they're never coming back.

sometimes, i think i need to get a grip.

all the while life is slipping from my hands, and i watch
as it walks away.

and i wonder why no one ever stays.

impact - t h e h a u n t i n g

I can't walk without a handful of ghosts falling out of my pocket,
their dull screams haunting me with every step I take, and this
pain that they've carried, ripped from their fragile bones is
forced upon me, every fucking second I'm alone.

each day is a lucid dream, so dangerous I can almost taste it--
but I can't, in a world where love is as real as the dreams of
a middle-aged, broken man, living on the hope that one day it'll be
bearable enough to look up with a smile.

or the scream of a girl being torn from her home,
clawing at the floors with her bloodied hands as she
succumbs to society's inane demands.

the silent cries of the ones too shy to reach out,
to touch the sun and hold it in their arms,
watching as it burns away their skin and sinks into their hearts-
bringing them together so this time, they won't fall
to pieces, scattered too far apart to rebuild.

irony {prose}

how ironic is it that whenever i look at you i think of all the things i could say, and then i say nothing. but you walk right past, not even bothering of a girl who's scared to mumble a small 'hi' but she always is sure to look you dead in the eye, and now she's convinced that you must be blind because you don't see her. you're running out of time.

she's leaving {rambling prose}

you can't leave me here with these people, i need you to guide me, i need you to show me that i'm worth so much more than i know, but most of all i need you to be that light at the end of this journey so that when i succeed it won't feel so bitter, like i've lost something and gained just another nothing to waste.

you
can't
do
this
to
me.

please don't leave me.

please.

a star

you know, i wasn't always this way but i was changed, transformed by that cosmic love that took you so long to find.


{ inspired by this song }

kissed me

but that's a lie, because i've never actually done it.
only in my mind. one half of me craves it, and the
other one must know

how wrong we are.

killed me

a picture perfect moment for an imperfect impulse.
i need to forget a horrible mistake, on the day that 

i kissed you.

florence

i love this song, she said, turning the sound up.
and the beautiful scream of a beautiful woman welcomed them home,
she leaned against him, sighing in contempt.

but he looks strangely at her, and her love for the pained sound
makes him wonder if he really knows her. and now,

somehow they can never be the same.

you make me illiterate (prose)

i used to think back to that moment when your eyes mirrored mine, to a time when i could look into you and see me reflected in your eyes but now it's over and so are we and all i am to you now is a memory buried under the lake where i imagined you would kiss me.

the summer chill

she is the girl that takes the lonely route home,
              and she shivers under the sun.

winter coats can't save her from this
              frozen summer.

all she has left are memories,
              scattered out over her sea of snow.

101.3

you are the
                  silence
between radio stations
on a cold day, and
the noise that
                    falls for
seconds in between.

Apparently this is true:

I write like
Anne Rice

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

absent

so cold, willing the sun to burn away her skin,
and sink into her heart.

(she wanted, to remember
             every boy
                     she ever kissed.)

locked away in a world without solitude,
to never be alone on a lonely day.

(she wanted, to remember
             every boy
                     she ever kissed.)

close to him but a million miles away on the inside,
and the paint is cracking on her egg-shell-colored walls.

(she wanted, to remember
             every boy
                     she ever kissed.)

but everyone keeps pushing her away, and it's always before
their lips can
touch.

(she wanted, to remember
             every boy
                     she ever kissed.)

the sun and its fire need her, to consume
and capture in its warmth.

(she wanted, to forget
          every second
                     she ever wasted
               with them.)

rape me

(she thought that he'd never touch her-
in the late hours of the night as he
drank his soul away.)
harsh screams, a piercing wail
and a broken woman is born.

(she'd asked for it, he told her-
and she took the blame, concealing
it within her heart.)
clear skin taunted her,
but didn't stop the pain
from consuming.

(slurred words escaped his lips,
but his intent was so clear-
and she trembles under a predatory stare.)
she calls him crazy but he laughs,
in her face as he waves her insanity
before them like a corpse.

(no no no no no no no no-
a whimper so small, that
no one will answer.)
and he denies her rejection,
taking her trembling touch as
a reason to take her away.

(with a crash, he smashed his
head into the table, and she jumps-
slumping against the wall
in defeat.)
she cries, for

(her eyes are open now, and
past him she can imagine a safer
world, one where not one will ever say
or speak or kill her with control--)

'rape me'

Pale

i.

he told her
to Leave him,

lonely,

breathing in
the fumes of
a toxic bond.

rising up
around him,
like the
memories from
Smoke.

swallowing her up,
in its light grasp.

she had called
him.

she had needed
him.

he watched in horror
as she
fell to the

ground.

ii.

he's burning up,
in the sun

sweltering with
Guilt and Promise.

his mind is on fire.

iii.

'leave me' she whispers
-he obeys.

'come to me'
-he adheres

'wait for me' she wails,
-he complies.

'touch me'
-he whimpers.

iv.

and she's gone, always

gone.

the One with stars in his eyes

Once in a while,
I sit down and remember
your smile.

Or the way you'd beckon me,
down your troubled road
of friendship, a new way I was Free.

Sometimes, I Remember the way-
you Left.
Silent, with nothing to Say.

But now, all I can Remember
is the stars in your eyes, as you looked
at me. Trapped, and burning like forgotten embers.

white teeth

i used to wonder how many times you
could Smile at me, before i
snapped.

impact - n e r v o u s

my heart beats slowly, like the sound of
a body thumping against the ground in slow motion,
and I take a sharp breath, wondering
if anyone saw me out here taking the papers.

I shouldn't care, but I do, they're all around me-
and I'm trapped by what they'll say and what they'll think
and what they'll do when they find out.
when it really doesn't matter, or make any sense at all.

and I get home, with everyone cheering me on,
but they can't see, they never will, when it all goes wrong.
when I'm like this I'm dangerous, like a man
with a vendetta against the people who took his dreams away.

but it's not the same.

people may be looking my way but they're not
looking at me, all caught up in their own little
make believe worlds, not caring about another's
ability to walk or talk like they can.

but I see them and I stupidly assume, thinking
that someone would actually care.

care enough to look my way and judge.

time slows like the moment before you take your
very last breath, and you stop. 

who cares if people watch when you fall,
and you crash and you burn,
but you can't be helped- no, not at all.

who cares if they think that you can't run
as fast as Hermes with a message for Zeus,
you're just as important, you need to be heard.

I silently walk down these halls, head down low,
only needing someone to ask what I hold in my shaking hands
before I can break down and let it all spew out like
a quiet storm-- something I can't withstand.

and then I hear the words that scare me the most,
and I'm terrified, so terrified that my skin goes pale
and my hands start to sweat, friends turning to me to
tell me I look sick, like a ghost.

but I'm not gone, I'm still here and I'm shaking in my
too-large shoes to fill. how the hell can I get there,
how the hell can I make it? my mind asks,
and I get a rush and a cold shiver as I shoot myself
down, getting a small slight chill.

it should be so easy, not hard like it seems to me now.
it's even harder waking up with a smile on your face,
ready to face the world yet another day where you're
tempted, so tempted, to run away.

but that's what this is-- I tell myself.

track is just another word for letting it all run out in
a silent stream of thumps on pavement, running
away from the problems of day to day life, and
towards a place you don't know yet, but maybe
there won't be any strife to be had with the ones around
you there.

and maybe, just maybe-- someone will care.

impact - f l i g h t

whenever i look at you, everything i want to say
runs into oceans of things i want to say and things
that i'll never say, and eventually-- they're all the same.

talking to you is like choking on air as the walls close in around me,
and i can't breathe 'cause even just your presence in this room
makes me want to fall apart and fall together all at the same time.

i stare, and i stare and i keep looking until i think
that you've caught me, and i finally feel that little
flicker of hope, building up in my chest like a bird
trapped in a suffocating cage, trying to claw its way
out of my ribs and into your heart.

but you don't look my way and a little part of me sinks back
into her dejection, trying to figure out how to deal with this
blatant rejection of friendship and closeness and someone to
talk to.

if i don't take the leap you never will, but you have to-
all of my attempts are just more time that i have to kill.

i know it isn't true but when i look at you, you're the
life and I'm just a passenger taking a peek into the
true light that resides within, inside.

and even though we don't talk like old friends who haven't
spoken in a while, or new friends bursting with useless things
to say, or lovers that grew old and argue every day....

i see you.

and when you look back with that distant look in your eyes,
it's like you're a stranger I'm only seeing for the first time
in my life, and i know nothing about you so i have to observe.

every time you look away you become another person for me
to learn from.

and i know that you'll never look me directly in the eyes,
because you're scared and paranoid, under a stare
from a girl who doesn't matter.

but that's your disguise.

impact - a w i t c h

i dare you.

dare you to take a step back from your bigotry,
to take off that mask and look me dead
in the eyes.

try not to cringe when the light seeps
into your soul, and there's nowhere
but their heaven for you to die.

dead, left for nothing in their solitude-
another forgotten and worthless patient
for them to break before they've patched you up.

you'll be broken, choking as they force-feed
you happiness on a cracked, broken platter.
and you scream for help, but you don't know-
because it doesn't matter

to them because they're just a bunch of blind doctors,
looking for a cure for your innocence and sorrow
when really they could do with some medicine themselves.

abandoned on a collapsing operating table,
their fluids still rushing through your veins.

slowly, a painful smile
begins to form.

you stand, taking a white coat from one
of your so-called 'doctors'

and you walk out into the residual air around you,
inhaling the fumes of a beaten generation.

impact - g h o s t

your eyes are an explosion of pastel, slathered
onto a dark portrait, and limp strands collapse against a ghostly
complexion.

blue lips part, but no whispers escape. 

i'm so taunted-- haunted by the ghost that i can
see rising in your gaze and i can't escape from this love as it
tears away at my will, and i can do nothing but watch as it begins to
kill me.

blue lips part, but no whispers escape. 

dead skin takes twisted wrists within its cold, clammy hands,
and i'm so frozen, so terrified- and i don't understand.
why you devote yourself to a misshapen world, but you say
nothing.

blue lips part, but no whispers escape. 

and i'm sorry that my obsession has brought you back to here,
but i missed you so much, people like you don't just go and
disappear like that.

blue lips part, but no whispers escape. 

now you're shaking, trembling as i try to draw up enough lack of fear,
to let you know that it wasn't your fault. but you look away, and
i don't know what i should even begin to say, and it's so
quiet.

blue lips part, but no whispers escape. 

i remember the nights we spent plotting an end to this terrible world itself,
but all of those words were so lighthearted that half the time i thought we
would fly away and leave it behind us.

blue lips part, and a small whisper escapes.

'i'm so sorry.'

her eyes whisper.

Blame

Backwards fingers reaching for their salvation.

Abortion of Reason

Conception cracks at your impetuous air.

With It

Live with the mess you've begun.

absence of stars

i feel like-
no, that's not right.

it seems that-
what the hell are you thinking?

i can't sleep without-
please, don't finish that sentence.

-you.