I HAVE CHANGED (prose)

i can't let this growth within me die, it's too precious to let go. small, unsure, but determined to create another self, to be reborn into the world once more. it needs to be nourished, and i can't let my fragile self shatter, destroying this new life that's only beginning to branch out inside of my body, and it has something to say. but it doesn't know how to speak yet, so it's waiting for that fateful day that words will give it meaning. the seed needs to be watered, and kept locked away in some place where i won't forget, but it won't fall to pieces. she wants to be everyone, she wants to keep their pain, and we're so different, but somehow our minds came from the same world. no, not a world, but a universe. her world is much brighter, and mine? a bit dark. but they're clashing together, and she needs to escape, she needs to make her mark on this new land. she listens to the demands sent my way.

'get a job.'

'write a book'

'become an author'

so she tells me that this is no way to live. that i'm useless like this, that i need to learn to really live.

'don't throw away your being like that, don't set yourself for a single path and never step off of it to marvel at the world around you. become that person, you created in the mirror. the one who loves to be anyone but you. breathe her, live her, become her. because she can do anything.'

i'm holding this new growth, so tightly to my heart that it might fly away if i let go.

'set out on an adventure, that you know you'll never win, but will because you can, let its power creep under your skin. fall in love five times over, because you need to let go of the past. but don't worry about your future, that will always last.'

i can feel her smiling, against my chest.

'just live for the moment that we're sharing right now. you've changed. for better or worse, who knows, but this is now.'

her words come out in mumbles, but her message is as clear as day.

'and i know that there's consequences, to every single thing you do. but you have to live, sierra.

or else life will destroy you.'

the sun is out now, warming both of our hearts, and we're both smiling, squinting our eyes against the vibrant rays. and i'm stunned.

i've never felt like there's nothing left to say.

i just have to do.